"I'm With CoCo": The Metamorphosis of Late Night Personality Cults in this Brave New Decade

Things you should know:

Late Night television is the recluse for bastard-children of the lost American Dream (that's why I watch Late Night tv, at least).

The hosts are categorically a-social creatures of habit, pawn figures charged to make the media industry look good (the laughter makes me forget my own rotten life).

They are secondary fixtures in television programming who survive off the success of others (pretty people go on their shows).

In a world where scheduling is of declining importance to viewership, they have become the first kings of the internet (wait, really?).

This whole mess of late night television is fucking incredible. The jokes are funny, the corporate blundering is funny, the news coverage is funny, and, best of all, the internet coverage is like a tantric orgasm because IT JUST WON'T STOP. Just look at the shear tonnage of online articles filtered through Google News since January 6th in this cute little chart!

Thousands and thousands of articles about Late Night TV, about entertainment programming that only serves to promote other entertainment programing! Do you know what this is?

This is META-NEWS. News that before our very eyes clearly points out we're all fucking idiots for even being interested in it! Amidst terrorism, recession, race riots, and TWO MASSIVE EARTHQUAKES IN THE SAME WEEK, I find myself checking Google News every thirty minutes to read every goddamn asinine article about the Conan vs. Jay cage-match.

But apparently I'm not the only idiot. Because all areas of the internet are frothing at the mouth in rage, rallying and shouting and typing and going nerd-crazy in support of Conan O'Brien. There are dozens of groups on Facebook and other social networks, there's websites, online petitions, blogging frenzies (particularly Gawker!), tweetering twitty-ness, t-shirts, YouTube rants, and let's not forget that immediately iconic poster by Mike Mitchell shown above. Oh, and all of this in just a couple of days.

All of this fuss over--that's right--Late Night television, that ancient and out-of-date broadcast tradition that sometimes feels inevitably doomed in this millennium's age of new media. Hell, at least that's what I thought.

But then I started watching Late Night TV on a regular basis this year. Why? A few reasons: Because these days I can watch it online (Hulu and YouTube have made all things possible), because the change-over of the Tonight Show host fascinated me (something that only happened thrice before in some 50 plus years), and because I've become oddly obsessed with Craig Ferguson's charming Scottish accent (is that weird?).

But those are all rather trivial reasons, they don't explain my inability to stop watching. Something attracted me back to this tired old format and I didn't figure it out until now: Late Night television was destined to rule the internet. Think about the similarities:

• Late Night shows are personality cults, built around a central figure who exposes himself to the public in often ridiculous and humorous ways simply for attention.
• YouTube's slogan is "Broadcast Yourself," and it's a place where people post videos ranging from ranting about their stupid lives into a webcam to videos of their children being doped up after a trip to the dentist.
• Late Night shows are designed to be a forum to make fun of breaking news on a frequent, daily basis.
• On the internet people respond to real world events in seconds, everything from standing in line at the coffee shop to earthquakes.
• Late Night shows are constructed around several "segments" (comedic bits, jokes, interviews) that last from 1-15 minutes.
• The internet is designed around the idea that people have short attention spans, and can only spend a couple minutes at a single page or movie.

I could keep going, but I'm bored. The point is, I think Late Night TV is so complimentary to the internet, and it broadcasts so fluidly online where there is no time limitations, where viewers can pick and choose what they do and don't view, and where there are already thousands of other narcissistic morons trying desperately to get attention. I think that's why suddenly people care about Late Night and are driving themselves into diabetic shock online. At least, I think it's why I care.

Nevertheless, remember the words of Craig Ferguson in all this: "It is a bunch of middle-aged white guys arguing over who gets X million of dollars. Who gives a [ay carumba!]."

Still. I can't stop watching. And every time I check Google News or Gawker I hate myself that much more for it.

*You should know I used the term "Meta-News" in this context as a joke. Meta-News is something a bit different, but still reveals the idiocy of the viewers.