Some Early Character Sketches

As mentioned previously, I'm in the process of making a comic book, a horror comedy called THEY ARE IDIOTS, written by me and illustrated by Zach Smith. Still in the early phases: draft scripts, lengthy coffee shop discussions, character sketching, brainstorming, et cetera.

Above are preliminary sketchings that Zach made of Seagram Graham, the everyman/straight-man/comic foil/realistic character of THEY ARE IDIOTS. Coming from a Clive Owens/John Constantine sorta realm.

I know it's still early, but I'm excited. This was a comic idea I came up with a couple years ago but couldn't get off the ground on my own. Happy to be working with Zach, a talented illustrator who shares my enthusiasm for the project. Hopefully some hard work and fun will result in a solid comic.

Zombie Walk in Portland

Dirt On Our Hands, again

For what I think is the third year in a row I revisited these stories again. A collection of admittedly bleak, nihilistic short stories I wrote during college mainly for writing workshops. About five inter-connected characters, none of them very good people.

I think I was aiming for Hemingway meets Brett Easton Ellis meets some rather familiar assholes everyone knew from college.

Take a gander if you like: Dirt On Our Hands.

Can'tLit, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying About Getting Published and Just Wait for Canadians to Love Me

It all began some years ago when I was seventeen...

There was a period in my life when I had just discovered my passion and thrill for writing and story-telling. A period when I wrote exclusively short comedic fiction where nonsensical occurrences were commonplace and I didn't know how/care to create three-dimensional characters. Bizarre things happened to people who didn't deserve it (hmm, sounds a lot like something I still do...).

And for some reason, this is the only period of my "writing career" (ha!) to yield publication in a magazine completely unconnected to my academic environments, or that didn't exist solely on the internet.

Yep, in the summer of 2003, I was published in the underground Canadian alternative arts magazine Broken Pencil. It was a story called "Dandruff." It's about a guy that, well, has significant dandruff problems.

Anyways, after fifteen years of Broken Pencil being around they decided to put together a fiction anthology called "Can'tLit: Fearless Fiction from Broken Pencil Magazine." And guess what? My little stupid story about freaking dandruff is in a fiction anthology of alternative Canadian literature.

Sometimes I don't get the universe, but I laugh anyways.

THE MOTHER OF ALL BAAAAAAAD HORROR MOVIES

A little diddy called "Drive Thru." About a fast-food restaurant mascot called Horny The Clown who starts slaughtering attractive high school students in a small, southern California town called Blanca Carne (WHITE MEAT!). And he does it all to speed metal.

This movie has me teetering in excitement. It has all the great components of a classic bad horror movie. A clown, high school students, horrible special effects, and, most importantly of all, the speed metal. I found a full streaming version online here. But check out this brilliant clip:



I fell to the ground laughing so hard when I first saw that. AMAZING.

Bad Horror Movies

Bad horror movies have a special place in my heart. There's nothing quite as satisfying as having some beers, eating pizza, sitting around with a bunch of friends, and watching a god-awful addition to the cinematic medium.

Now, in my opinion, all horror movies are bad, at least to some degree. After all, they're trying to scare me. And that's just stupid in the first place, because I'm not afraid of anything (Yes, you read that correctly. Don't try to argue). Still, there are a few horror movies that I believe to be quality movies, regardless of their laughable attempts make me wet myself in fright.

But, a baaaaad horror movie is different. A baaaaaad horror movie is seemingly aware of what it's doing. It is aware that the acting is bad, the story is bad, the special effects are bad. And yet, it doesn't look back. It storms forward onto the stage with the spotlights on and the curtains up and the entire audience (if there is one) watching and guffawing at the player that has exposed its privates. It's like watching someone get caught with their fly down. Priceless in humiliating sincerity.

And so, since it's nearly Halloween, here are some of my favorite baaaaaad horror movies:

THE GINGERDEAD MAN

Gary Busey as a serial killer whose ashes get backed into a gingerbread man. Need I say more? The behind-the-scenes additions to the DVD are hilarious. While filming scenes with the foot-tall gingerdead man, Busey was off camera shouting his lines. How is it possible to seriously act in that situation?



SALEM'S LOT

Based off a vampire novel by Stephen King. Made for TV in the late 70s, which means a cheap budget and no gore. In other words, what was the point in making it? I watched this at a friend's house in high school with her parents and younger sister. Everything but the movie was terrifying.


BRIDE OF CHUCKY

The "Child's Play" series was bad enough. And at some point they decided to acknowledge it. Chucky gets sutured back together and turns Jennifer Tilly into a bombshell blond doll (but she gets electrocuted first!). Some laughable death scenes involve some kid getting hit by a sixteen wheel semi storming down the highway and for some reason the fucker pops like a water balloon upon contact. He must've been like Kif from Futurama, made up of a system of fluid-filled bladders. Oh and John Ritter gets shot in the face with a nail gun.


ERNEST SCARED STUPID

It was Ernest. I was probably 9-years-old. There were trolls. I don't know why but I remember this movie pretty vividly. It actually had almost the same exact plot as Hocus Pocus (another bad halloween movie for kids). Oh, and the trolls get killed by milk. IRONY!


BLAIR WITCH PROJECT

This movie had its merits. For one that it was made for so cheap, marketed brilliantly, and made a huge profit margin. But it was a steaming load of crap. Really. Crap. But the best kind of crap: Clever Crap. The kind of crap that you thought was a rock or piece of bark so you picked it up. And then once you sniffed it, you gasped in horror, disgusted at yourself, and probably puked. It did become fun to freak out your friends by standing in the corner though.


HALLOWEEN II: SEASON OF THE WITCH

I actually watched this movie without the sound on, and yet I got the gist of it. Robots with orange innards, Halloween masks that decompose your head within seconds. An Irish businessman who is working with scientists to use the power of one of the stones from Stonehenge to kill anyone who wears their masks (which they've been selling the shit out of all across the country!). And for some reason the lead actor looks like a 70s pornstar, and I'm pretty sure the movie ends with everybody in the world dying. The most hilarious part is that this movie is attached the Halloween series.

Genres and Comics

I do not consider myself a genre writer. Or reader. Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Mystery, Horror--I never return their calls.

There are few exceptions, of course, such as the Harry Potter series, the Lord of the Rings, some superheros and graphic novels, and bad horror movies always make me smile. But, I've only gone out on a few dates with them because of quality of character and stories, not because because they superficially fall into a genre.

It's just that when it comes to really going the distance, I like a story that is realistic and down to earth. Sure, my mind imagines all sorts of bizarro-world and outlandish things. Hell, I even made a website for that part of me (NinjaPancakes.com!). And while I might be thoroughly researching and adapting Norse mythology, the resulting novel is so very grounded in a sweaty, gritty reality.

Nothing personal. It's just my preference. I like good stories, stories that speak to me about what this world truly is. And sometimes all that genre stuff can just fog up the picture.

That being said, I decided to write a short graphic novel that explores the horror genre, and I'm doing it the only way I know how: by making fun of it.

Yep, that's right. The man who finds most genres to be snoozers and parodies to be wrought with hypocrisy is doing both. At the same time. In a comic book (have I mentioned I've never done one of those before?). I feel like I'm going to bed with someone I hate, find unattractive, and has genitalia in all the wrong places for no reason other than to do it for no reason.

Should be fun.