Now, in my opinion, all horror movies are bad, at least to some degree. After all, they're trying to scare me. And that's just stupid in the first place, because I'm not afraid of anything (Yes, you read that correctly. Don't try to argue). Still, there are a few horror movies that I believe to be quality movies, regardless of their laughable attempts make me wet myself in fright.
But, a baaaaad horror movie is different. A baaaaaad horror movie is seemingly aware of what it's doing. It is aware that the acting is bad, the story is bad, the special effects are bad. And yet, it doesn't look back. It storms forward onto the stage with the spotlights on and the curtains up and the entire audience (if there is one) watching and guffawing at the player that has exposed its privates. It's like watching someone get caught with their fly down. Priceless in humiliating sincerity.
And so, since it's nearly Halloween, here are some of my favorite baaaaaad horror movies:
THE GINGERDEAD MAN
Gary Busey as a serial killer whose ashes get backed into a gingerbread man. Need I say more? The behind-the-scenes additions to the DVD are hilarious. While filming scenes with the foot-tall gingerdead man, Busey was off camera shouting his lines. How is it possible to seriously act in that situation?
SALEM'S LOT
Based off a vampire novel by Stephen King. Made for TV in the late 70s, which means a cheap budget and no gore. In other words, what was the point in making it? I watched this at a friend's house in high school with her parents and younger sister. Everything but the movie was terrifying.
BRIDE OF CHUCKY
The "Child's Play" series was bad enough. And at some point they decided to acknowledge it. Chucky gets sutured back together and turns Jennifer Tilly into a bombshell blond doll (but she gets electrocuted first!). Some laughable death scenes involve some kid getting hit by a sixteen wheel semi storming down the highway and for some reason the fucker pops like a water balloon upon contact. He must've been like Kif from Futurama, made up of a system of fluid-filled bladders. Oh and John Ritter gets shot in the face with a nail gun.
ERNEST SCARED STUPID
It was Ernest. I was probably 9-years-old. There were trolls. I don't know why but I remember this movie pretty vividly. It actually had almost the same exact plot as Hocus Pocus (another bad halloween movie for kids). Oh, and the trolls get killed by milk. IRONY!
BLAIR WITCH PROJECT
This movie had its merits. For one that it was made for so cheap, marketed brilliantly, and made a huge profit margin. But it was a steaming load of crap. Really. Crap. But the best kind of crap: Clever Crap. The kind of crap that you thought was a rock or piece of bark so you picked it up. And then once you sniffed it, you gasped in horror, disgusted at yourself, and probably puked. It did become fun to freak out your friends by standing in the corner though.
HALLOWEEN II: SEASON OF THE WITCH
I actually watched this movie without the sound on, and yet I got the gist of it. Robots with orange innards, Halloween masks that decompose your head within seconds. An Irish businessman who is working with scientists to use the power of one of the stones from Stonehenge to kill anyone who wears their masks (which they've been selling the shit out of all across the country!). And for some reason the lead actor looks like a 70s pornstar, and I'm pretty sure the movie ends with everybody in the world dying. The most hilarious part is that this movie is attached the Halloween series.
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